A Memo to Sens. Obama and Biden

NOTE TO READERS: This post is meant to be addressed to the Democratic Ticket, sort of as a means of catharsis for me after watching them flounder the past two weeks:

The time for a clean campaign has past. Sen. McCain threw his clean campaign pledge out the door the second he hired Steve Schmidt to take over the day to day operations of the campaign. Every gaffe Sen. McCain or Gov. Palin makes needs to be broadcast all over. You need to call them liars and then say what they are lying about. Explain that she completely supported the bridge to nowhere until Congress killed the idea. Only then was she against it—hell, supporting the damn bridge was one the major planks of her platform when she ran for governor. Ask how someone who was raised by his grandparents and a single mother on food stamps can be called an elitist by someone who has nine homes and his running mate who had a tanning bed installed in the governor’s mansion. Why are the words “Beltway Johnny” not being uttered every time you talk about “Change?” Why won’t you point out that Sarah Palin doesn't know what the Bush Doctrine is instead of leaving it to the media to do your bidding? If I were you I would fire your entire campaign staff and beg on hand an knee that James Carville and Paul Begala run your campaign. Please, please, please, take Jon Stewart’s advice and simply, “SHIT ON THEM WITHOUT REGARD!!!!!” They don’t respect you, so don’t respect them. And by the way, for every campaign stop that Sarah Palin makes with John McCain, you need to make one with Hillary Clinton. And for every snide comment she makes about community organizing, Joe Biden needs to make a comment about Wasilla having the worst crystal meth problem per capita in the country or a crack that just about everyone in her administration graduated high school with her. Finally, call both of them liars about you’re tax plan and point out the fact that even Fox News and Karl Rove have admitted they are lying about this. Then tell the American people that you want to do to lower taxes for the lower, middle, and even upper-middle class. Also, will you PLEASE run footage or audio of the Kennedy’s saying that you are the closest thing to Jack (that’s JFK’s personal name for those who are confused) and Bobby Kennedy since they were assassinated—Ethel, Teddy, and Caroline (Matriarch, Patriarch, and Matriarch-in-waiting) have all said you are their natural political successor! Finally put the picture of John McCain awkwardly hugging George W. Bush in every damn add you run (print or tape). That thing needs to be as familiar to people as the picture of a young Bill Clinton shaking JFK’s hand was in 1992 and 1996.

And two more things, for Sen. Biden. One: Why did you fuck up your answer on abortion so badly? You gave the perfect answer: You are pro-life and as a Catholic that is your choice and your opinion but you do not think you should impose your belief on others. Likewise you don’t think others' beliefs should be imposed on you and so you don’t support legalized partial birth abortions or government funding for abortions. Why did you have to try and play theologian at the end of your answer. You’re a senator and law professor not a theologian. Secondly: Don’t worry about being called mean or sexist in your debate. Dick Cheney by all accounts won the VP debate in 2004 and he was the meanest son of a bitch he could be.